Month: December 2024

Posted in Communication

This Christmas, Safe refuge at the kid’s table

Posted on by simplebender

This Christmas, I took a break from the drama and posturing at the adult table and found refuge at the kid’s table.

Yearning for the casual banter of innocence, the insight of young wisdom, and the opportunity to hear the thoughts and words of our future, I decided to sit at the kid’s table. Sitting in smaller chairs, closer to the ground, we may be better grounded than in taller, oversized adult chairs, which these days seem a little too tipsy.

The easy game of Connect the Dots yields winks and laughs as we dabble and play with our food. We chatted and giggled about the presents we had opened and those gifts we still hoped to get. I chuckle at the confused looks as we taste the cranberry sauce and smile as the dressing and mashed potatoes are swirled into a tasty mush.

Overhearing the adults discuss their ‘big people’s topics as I watch the kids. The toast for ‘world peace’ quickly regressed to biting analogies of the Middle East and Ukraine. The younger ones seem more confused as the voices rise. The ‘older ones’ frown and turn away from the tension, showing some disgust at the hypocrisy and arguments. Turning up my hearing aids just a little, I hear one mumble…’ giving aid to one for genocide and taking it away from another fighting for self-defense.’ As their heads shook a little, the simple game of hangman took on new meaning. The table returned to the whispers and giggles of youth as a game or two of tic-tac-toe started. I pondered their insight and perspective and lost the hangman game.

The lighthearted snickers and under-the-table poking were interrupted as another bottle of wine was opened for the adults. A hearty toast at their table as we lifted our glasses of water and mimicked them with our silly smiles and googly eyes. The topics at the big people’s table ebbed and flowed about current events, sports, business, and then back to politics. I shook my head and wished they could listen to us at the kid’s table. We were having fun, laughing, and smiling. Their table got louder as abortion and women’s rights became the main topic. Then the epiphany. One of the girls whispers to another…’ great, the convicted sex predator wants to protect us whether we like it or not…cringe…’ I turned my hearing aids back down, hoping to give them the space they needed and not become the adult at the table.

I thought about what I’d heard at both tables. I wanted to avoid the stress and conflict at the adult table, but I only saw and heard the stress that wafted across the room to the kid’s table. Their young minds are open to so much. Soaking in everything and forming opinions that will drive our world’s future. Too much stress. Too much tension. The heat spilling out of the kitchen to the tables filled with the cornucopia of abundance. We sat there wondering about those with so much less and how fortunate we were. This privileged family has the luxury of having discussions and not worrying about where their next meal is coming from. And yet, these adults don’t realize they may be forming irreversible opinions and generational hate through their terse and tense words.

We, the adults, can impart hope or hate. We can show how to listen and try to understand. It is our choice, and they, the kids, are watching and listening to everything.

My distracted thoughts were interrupted when the youngest leaned over, tapped me, and said, ‘Knock, knock.’ I smiled and thought, ‘Maybe, just maybe, things will be alright’…’ Who’s there?’

NeverFearTheDream     simplebender.com

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This article was first published in the Bend Bulletin 12/26/24

Posted in Communication

Better Not to Hear than Not be Heard

Posted on by simplebender

In our zeal to appear to listen to everyone, we are not hearing anyone. This unfortunate reality has turned the tables in politics, neighborhoods, and even families. We almost seem to be ‘play listening, ‘ nodding our heads in agreement all the while formulating our response without really hearing. We are treating people like we scroll headlines—no real interest, just browsing.

We all want to be heard. We all want our expressed thoughts and opinions to, at least, be heard. The failure to be heard has brought us to where we are and will take us where we will go. The facade of hearing and the misdirection of understanding have been the tools of the deceivers forever.

The examples of perceived lack of hearing pepper our history. Women felt oppressed, disenfranchised, and weren’t being heard, which led to suffrage. African Americans cried out about racial injustice and oppression, leading to civil rights reforms. LGBTQs faced the same lack of understanding and have pressed for social change. And now, rural Americans of all races and genders are screaming to be heard about the loss of rights and freedoms. It isn’t that they weren’t speaking, but they weren’t being heard. The voices were muffled and muted and, in some cases, literally covered and gagged to prevent their speech. If we don’t pay attention, we will cycle through these and other issues infinitely more times.

Without being heard in civil discord, those affected lash out, resorting to yelling and physical actions to get attention. Their plight is real to them. We will only perpetuate a cycle of misunderstanding, disregard, mistrust, and violent upheaval until we are ready to hear and absorb what they say and mean.

This cycle will continue until a champion comes forward who, at least, appears to hear their plight. It doesn’t matter if they really care or not. They are someone who has stature and who takes up the cause. They become bigger than life, regardless of their own life story. They become the voice of the unheard. Their past transgressions are irrelevant to the yelling mob. They are giving the mob a voice, a charismatic champion, someone willing to take up the cause and press forward. Like the snake oil salesman, acknowledging your ailment and offering you a dubious elixir to cure your pains. Unfortunately, the hangover from the cure might be worse.

Being hearing impaired, I understand the frustration of not hearing. I understand the isolation in a crowded room. I’ve watched people become frustrated with repeating what they have said because I have difficulty hearing them. However, their frustration is even more profound when their message falls not on deaf ears but on ears unwilling to hear or listen. It is far better not to hear than not to be heard. Stop formulating a response and hear what others are saying. Hear what others are asking and pleading for. Their needs are real to them, just as yours are to you. People are much more than the scrolling headlines at the bottom of the TV. People matter. Don’t just stop and listen, but stop and really hear and try to understand, even if you disagree.

NeverFearTheDream……..simplebender.com

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